MORNING WITH TEARS !!!

I was reading "unquiet spirits" very quietly early in the morning in my dark room. Suddenly dad called & maa woke up.
She asked me that are my friends mad that they are planning for a movie. I said - " no mom, friendship day is coming so we just thought of it " . Then she said -"i don't like comparing , but see your cousin and your neighbour's daughter , they never go out alone , or with friends and all . " I said - "maa, don't worry , i always say NO to my friends four outings and all ".
But she took this in a wrong sense. According to her i shouldn't bring up such thoughts in my mind. Now it is totally not possible for me. Ah ! i really feel failed , living up my life....

Now i want to go up to my mom and feel to say - "that i don't want to be like rishika di (my neighbour's daughter ) and neither like my cousin . I really want to live a life independently . She (rishika di) is totally dependent on her mom & dad . Wherever she wants/have to go , she has to look for her parents. Where in my opinion , i don't want this thing in my life , i really want to fly free . I know my limits as birds know while flying high in the sky .
I know the world out there isn't good enough ,  but how should i explain her that i'm 17+ and i'm in 12th grade , atleast i'm big enough to take some very little decisions of my life. But no , she thinks that i am a small baby. According to her if i'll spend time with friends in outing and all then i'll get away from my parents. Now , please someone go and tell her that in this way i'm missing the enjoyment of my teenage. I really wish i would have got that. I also wish to have fun out with friends. They make me feel happy whenever they're around me. You know , i never ask for any outing from my mom , because i know the answer would be no as always , ah expected. And then , i really hate that no . Recently on 31st july , my previous schools' friend Srishti is throwing a party for her birthday and i have been invited but i didnt even talk about it to mom because i know i won't get the permission. huh ! This NO always brings tears in my eyes.
Really i'm fed-up of this life . OK, i'm not big enough but i'm not too small even . I am really frustrated .
Can anyone imagine my life ? NO !its just school to hom, then home to coaching and then again back coaching to home...bas then study and sleep . No fun at all except at school.
There are thousands of things and wishes in my heart which i can't even bring out. I'm frustrated ,i'm not happy at all. Since last year , i smiled heartly at school and only a few times at home. I really cherished the fact that i always was a happy girl , kept smiling 24/7 . People too liked me for this but now , i hardly find a reason...there are many other things whch will neva let me smile..

I really love my mom more than anything else in this world , that's why i don't dare to ask anything because i know she would get angry & i will also become upset.
I really imagine how she got a scooty for me , really i always dreamed of it but i knew it won't ever come true.

My life is just fucked up . I really love to be happy , I hate tears in my eyes.
But i think its my fate . I really loved living my life but now i feel , it should end up soon. Im not able to focus on any particular thing . Why GOD , who gives us happiness gave only sorrows in my box.
Why I'm not happy ???

Who has got the answers ???
NOONE....

I am really alone....i really am......